Back in the game
The past 6 months has flown by, and I'm now a week into the new season that is life beyond maternity leave. When your job is your heart and your community, your calling and your passion it's hard to know what is 'work' and what I do just because it's who I am. When I found myself sending emails about health and safety the other week, I realised that I was ready to be back 'on'. I loved mat leave, loved the focus, the gentler rhythm, the time to be in the sunshine, to sneak away with the kids and take extra holidays (we missed you Xander!), to invest in friendships, to dream, to pray, to wear summer dresses, to take a chance at normal life and experience things on the other side of the coin. I'm so grateful for the privilege that is time and space to recover from childbirth and get to know this precious, friendly, bouncy beautiful boy of mine.
And now to figure out a rhythm of life that works. Last week I was feeling so fresh and energised and inspired. This week I've felt a lot nearer the end of my rope. Overwhelmed by the challenge of finding my pace. I've added a child and an appointment since I last was 'working' and I'm feeling the burn.
I have 2 beautiful boys who I love so much it hurts. But also they test me to my utter limits, frequently. This parenting thing, marriage, relationships in general really, are all a crucible for holiness, a mirror we hold up to our souls to show us how cracked and self centered, impatient and slow to love we really are. The impurities and weaknesses rise to the surface so they can be skimmed off and we are purified, if we allow it. Our rough edges bash up against each other, sparks fly and we become a bit smoother in the process.
Humanity has all these lofty ideals about loving the whole world, and family life shows us just how hard it is to love even those nearest and dearest to us, day in, day out.
The older I grow the more convinced I am that everyone is blagging it, everyone is trying to do their best, making it up as they go along, trying to hold it together, carrying their own cares and burdens. I want my boys to grow up knowing empathy and inner discipline rather than 'obeying' me out of fear of my tantrums. I want to example joy, generosity, compassion, gentleness, faith, strength, patience, endurance, hope.
And today, running through the rain, with a boy on a bike who won't walk, a baby in a sling who won't sleep, carrying too many bags, I take a deep breath and remember all the warriors who've gone before, who tell me to makethemostofititgoessofast. I remember that I'm in this season for a long ole time. I can't grit my teeth and ignore it til it goes away. And I press in and search for the joy, and find strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, from the One who promises to pour our reservoirs of love and fullness of life.
And now to figure out a rhythm of life that works. Last week I was feeling so fresh and energised and inspired. This week I've felt a lot nearer the end of my rope. Overwhelmed by the challenge of finding my pace. I've added a child and an appointment since I last was 'working' and I'm feeling the burn.
I have 2 beautiful boys who I love so much it hurts. But also they test me to my utter limits, frequently. This parenting thing, marriage, relationships in general really, are all a crucible for holiness, a mirror we hold up to our souls to show us how cracked and self centered, impatient and slow to love we really are. The impurities and weaknesses rise to the surface so they can be skimmed off and we are purified, if we allow it. Our rough edges bash up against each other, sparks fly and we become a bit smoother in the process.
Humanity has all these lofty ideals about loving the whole world, and family life shows us just how hard it is to love even those nearest and dearest to us, day in, day out.
The older I grow the more convinced I am that everyone is blagging it, everyone is trying to do their best, making it up as they go along, trying to hold it together, carrying their own cares and burdens. I want my boys to grow up knowing empathy and inner discipline rather than 'obeying' me out of fear of my tantrums. I want to example joy, generosity, compassion, gentleness, faith, strength, patience, endurance, hope.
And today, running through the rain, with a boy on a bike who won't walk, a baby in a sling who won't sleep, carrying too many bags, I take a deep breath and remember all the warriors who've gone before, who tell me to makethemostofititgoessofast. I remember that I'm in this season for a long ole time. I can't grit my teeth and ignore it til it goes away. And I press in and search for the joy, and find strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, from the One who promises to pour our reservoirs of love and fullness of life.
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